Pudsey: The Movie - Rant and Rave Review

Sometimes in life you feel like you've made serious mistakes and made poor decisions. Decisions which fill you with overloading amounts of pain and anger that you cannot forget about. It really shatters your soul into a millions pieces. Your friends and family constant interrogation which wants you to just curl up in a ball and shut yourself away from humanity. Sadly this happened to me last month when I decided to spend 8 quid of my money, which I earned with my blood, sweat and tears, at the cinema to watch Simon Cowell's production's masterpiece, Pudsey: The Movie. From looking at the trailers it scared me. It shook me to my core. It looked like something that CBBC was about to commission the 1990's and then bosses thought, "Do you know what? I think we should re-run 3 episodes of Chucklevision instead." Whoever had to do the marketing for this film must have felt like an absolute tool. What redeeming features could they possibly find to promote this film to the masses. Well by the looks of the trailer, they couldn't be bothered anyway. What they did was summarise the entire film in 2 minutes, so there was no need for anybody to bother going to the pictures and give Simon Cowell any of their hard earn money. What was also highlighted in the trailer was that the film was from the director of Horrid Henry: The Movie. Wow what a quality and successful film that was. Cost £10 million and made £10 million. Cowell definitely picked the best director for the job. Mr Nick Moore. Who by the way couldn't create a good film even if he had Christopher Nolan in one ear and Steven Spielberg in the other. Awful choice.

The plot is simply a family who adopt Pudsey. They move to the countryside into a grotty old house which is owned by an evil businessman who plans to demolish the house and build a shopping centre on the land. Pudsey has to save the day. Fantastic, I bet that story was months in the making. Hours of careful planning went into that storyboard. The villain's motives are copied directly from Mrs Browns Boy's D'Movie. Not only did they copy somebody else's idea, they copied it from an appalling cinematic atrocity! The film is shot so poorly that I think the director only took one shot of every scene and said "That'll do." It screams out laziness from the very beginning of the film and it continues throughout. The story is so horrifically boring, that even the actors looked like they were day dreaming on set. Being the back end of the donkey in the Christmas play might have been a better role to go for. I feel deeply sorry for Pudsey, who sadly had to endure the agonising pain of being the star of this film, because he's such an intelligent dog. I love what dance moves he can do, it's timeless entertainment. The film to put it bluntly, insults him. Not only does David Walliams make him sound like an utter inbasul but he does some really idiotic things along the way, which are not funny or clever and make his character like the typical average stupid dog e.g. obsessed with sausages and having to reference that every ten minutes. That's horrible. Poor Pudsey. Not only does the film insult Pudsey, but it insults it's main audience too. Children. The writing is ridiculously cheesy and makes you question what age the person is. I wrote a better script in primary school with my mates, doing a role play on the playground killing orcs with my crooked stick. The kids in the theatre were bored out of their minds, even this lad in front of me got up and told his mum, "I'm waiting outside, I hate it." He had the guts to walk out, which I didn't have. Good lad! Stupid cheesy scripts just don't work with kids anymore. Quality family films such as How to Train Your Dragon 2 is something which I'd take my child to see. It teaches them more about life and certain morals which can help them to do the right things. This film at least teaches them that pigs can't actually lay eggs, they drop big poo's out instead. That genuinely happens. A pig who believes it's a chicken. Nobody laughed by the way, not even the smaller kids. Embarrassing. Just summed up the movie for me.

This film is a middle finger to anybody who has the IQ higher than a turnip and treats a brilliant dog like a moron too. I'm glad this film lost a million quid. Good on the general public for not coming to watch this piece of diarrhea. You might be thinking "But Dan it's only a kids film." It is but then so is Frozen, how good of kids film is that? The Lego Movie is a kids film and that's terrific. These are the films that you should spend your hard earned money on. Don't put it in Simon Cowells deep pockets. Hopefully the flop of this venture will make sure his entertainment company stays well clear of any film material. Because nobody gives a dog turd. 

1/10. That 1 goes to Pudsey himself.

Rant over! :D